In this article, we’ll answer the question – ‘Why do men stay in a sexless marriage?’
First of all, the definition of a sexless marriage is relative to different people and varies depending on the libido of different people.
When it comes to saying that you’re in a sexless marriage, there’s no generalization because your reality differs from that of another person.
For instance, persons A and B are a couple.
Let’s say that person A wants to have sex daily, but person B is satisfied with thrice a week.
In this case, it’s not a sexless marriage, although the needs of person A are not being met.
Then, person A divorces person B and marries person C.
Person C is okay with having sex once a year.
In this case, person A can boldly say that they’re in a sexless marriage.
The belief that you’re in a sexless marriage is more about the gap between you and your wife’s libidos than a static expectation of how regularly you should have sex in your marriage.
What Are The Effects Of Sexless Marriages On Men?
Generally, men have been conditioned culturally and have it inherent in them to want sex regularly.
With a healthy libido and not that of a sex addict, it’s only very few men will have no problems with living in a sexless marriage, no matter how short or long the time is.
Most times, it’ll be the reason why a man asks for divorce or separation or even his justification for looking outside his marriage for sex and intimacy.
Here are some of the effects of sexless marriages on men:
- Depression
- Anger
- Low self-esteem
- Anxiety
- Sexual frustration
- Feelings of demoralisation
- Bitterness
- Prostate cancer
Why Do Men Stay In A Sexless Marriage?
Firstly, is it possible for a marriage to survive without sex?
The answer is yes, and that’s if both parties are okay with the permanent or temporary absence of sex in the marriage.
It’ll also help if such a marriage is healthy and happy.
But if a partner has a healthy libido and the other person is totally uninterested, the absence of sex can bring rise to so many negative feelings.
These feelings, including resentment, anger, and frustration, can lead to either divorce or extramarital affairs eventually.
Here are some reasons why men may choose to stay in a sexless marriage:
1. The presence of love, affection, and emotional intimacy in the marriage
Men may choose to stay in a sexless marriage because emotional intimacy, affection, and love are still present in the marriage.
As we know, although sex is an important constituent of marriage, it’s not the ultimate reason why most people get married.
You’ll agree that the older a marriage gets, the less the couple engages in sex and focuses more on companionship.
In the long run, you’ll discover that being friends with your spouse, having things to talk about, and bonding over these things is what will remain in your marriage.
They are the things you’ll fall back on when the looks, feelings, and all other superficial things fade.
So, if there is still love and affection coupled with emotional intimacy in the marriage, a man will likely consider remaining in a sexless marriage.
2. The belief that the ‘sexless’ situation is temporary
Another reason why men may choose to stay in a sexless marriage is if they believe that the sexless situation will not last forever.
There are many reasons why a marriage may turn sexless at some point, although we’re not going to delve into that in this article.
It can be for medical, physical, psychological, or mental reasons on the wife’s part, which have been examined and diagnosed by professionals in the field.
These professionals will most likely proffer solutions or draw up treatment plans for the condition and will, of course, let the man in on what’s happening so that he’ll support her on the journey to recovery.
Whichever the case, there is no valid reason why a man will choose to leave his marriage when the end is in sight for a sexless situation.
Except he’s been looking for an excuse to leave the marriage long before now, it makes no sense.
3. They don’t attach much importance to sex
As mentioned in point 1, although sex is an important constituent of marriage, it’s not the ultimate reason why most people get married.
It can be the case here.
Some men may choose to stay in a sexless marriage because sex is not so important to them.
Their attention is fixed on other aspects of the marriage that they deem more important, such as shared interests and hobbies, children, companionship, and financial security.
For this type of men, sex is just a plus for them in marriage.
Once they have all they consider important, they’re happy and content in their marriages.
4. Both husband and wife have low libidos
Another reason why men may choose to stay in a sexless marriage is that both they and their wives have low libidos.
I mean, having low libido is a problem, but if a couple is cool with that, there is no reason why they should not be together.
If a couple finds out that they both have low libido, are okay with it, and decide to live with it, who are we to question them?
Perhaps they’re among the people who don’t place much importance on sex.
So having low libido makes no difference to them as long as they’re both fine with it.
5. Cultural and religious beliefs
If the cultural and religious beliefs of where they come from frown on or do not permit divorce, men may choose to stay in a sexless marriage.
You may say that it’s their lives, and they can do what suits them.
But let’s face it – even when they pretend that they don’t, most people care about what society has to say about their actions.
A man may want to leave a sexless marriage but is stuck in it due to some religious and cultural beliefs, or worse still, he’s scared of what people will say if he leaves his marriage.
6. Both husband and wife are asexual
A couple being asexual is another reason why a man may choose to remain in a sexless marriage.
In this case, both of them do not experience sexual attraction.
In the actual sense, people who don’t experience sexual attraction rarely have sex.
Some asexual people never even have sex.
So, it’s a valid reason why a man may choose to remain in a sexless marriage.
7. They opt for the lesser evil
Leaving a relationship or marriage takes a lot of strength, strong will, and bravery.
The thought of leaving a sexless marriage must have crossed a man’s mind so many times, and he hasn’t done it because he’s taking many factors into consideration.
Perhaps the only serious issue he has with his wife is her low or non-existent libido.
Now, he’ll not be willing to let her go and start all over with a new woman who he’s not sure of how healthy her libido is.
Add that to the other qualities and attributes she has that will impact the marriage negatively or positively.
After thinking things through, the man will likely decide to choose the lesser evil, which is sticking with his wife, instead of risking losing it all by asking for a divorce and starting all over with a new woman.
How To Deal With A Sexless Marriage
1. See a marriage counselor
Are you having sex-related problems in your marriage, and you and your wife do not want the marriage to end?
It’ll be best if you see a good marriage counsellor or sex therapist and start talking to them.
These professionals have given themselves to nurturing healthy, happy marriages and sex lives between couples.
Please do not underestimate their input in your marriage’s problems.
Sometimes, you need a counsellor or therapist to step in to enable you to communicate effectively and solve your problems.
Other times, your readiness to see a good counsellor and start therapy is enough proof to your wife that you care for and value the marriage and are ready to fight for it.
If you and your wife are willing and ready to work on these problems, there is a high chance that you’ll come out of this situation stronger together.
It might also be an eye-opener on the reasons why you need to go your separate ways.
Whichever the case, it’s for the best.
2. Discuss with your wife
It’s true that marriage counselling or sex therapy can be quite expensive.
But I think it’s way cheaper than a feisty divorce.
Also, some people are not ready to lay their lives bare to a stranger for something as personal as their sex life.
Although I recommend that you speak to a professional, I’m not saying that it’s not possible for you and your wife to work on your problems by yourselves.
Sometimes, all you need to get good results in the bedroom is to learn how to communicate effectively and efficiently outside the bedroom.
Let her know that you’re not happy with the sexless situation in your marriage and find out if she’s happy with it.
If she’s not, both of you can look for feasible solutions together.
But if she sees nothing wrong with what’s happening in your marriage, you need to take a step back and reevaluate the core values of your marriage.
Still, rub your minds with her and see if you can reach a compromise.
Hopefully, having a dialogue with your wife will yield favourable fruits.
3. Schedule sex with your wife
The best aphrodisiac is sex itself.
This means that you might be looking too far for ways to get your sexual groove back on.
Perhaps if you devote some time to planning and having scheduled sex, you can go back to having a healthy libido and a happy married sex life.
Like most adults around the world, you’re really busy, and every second of your waking hours counts.
You’ve noticed that you’ll have to schedule anything for you to get it done.
Why don’t you apply it to sex in your marriage?
At least, it’s something you want to work on, and that’s why you’re on this blog.
Most people will think that there’s nothing sexy about scheduling sex, but it’s not that way.
When you schedule sex, you have a lot of opportunities to arrange the scene the way you want it.
You already know what’s going to happen, so you take the kids for a sleepover at their grandparents’, wear sexy outfits, light-scented candles, and stuff like that.
Most couples also schedule date nights.
Are those ones any different from scheduling sex?
The goal is to be clear with your wife about what you want from the experience.
That way, you’ll be on the same page with her and work towards achieving a common goal.
4. Build a physical connection with your wife
Saying “rebuild a physical connection with your wife” sounds more like it because there was a physical connection in the marriage initially.
You can start all over to initiate touches – slightly brushing her skin when you’re close to her, gently massaging her shoulders as she works, and light pecks at strategic parts of her body.
Hold hands whenever you can.
Initiate kissing, no matter how short the duration is.
Physical connection strengthens emotional connection.
In this case, you want to conquer the sexless situation in your marriage.
Seize every opportunity to build a physical connection with your wife.
It’ll go a long way to help redeem your sex life.
Conclusion
You’ve seen the reasons men stay in a sexless marriage.
The absence of sex in your marriage can be a sign of serious problems in your marriage, but it shouldn’t remain that way.
I’ve listed ways to conquer the sexless situation in your marriage.
Once you still love each other, lovemaking is very much possible.
I’m in a sexless marriage going on now for 3 years. I’m a male age 65 and my wife is 76. We also have adopted our great grandkids 3 years ago. No sex no touch no showing feelings she seems overwhelmed all the time . She has moved into the spare bedroom made that her room. I want spontaneous movement back . I can’t just leave but I feel vulnerable in public as if I would cheat if the opportunity was there. She says she’s done with sex!!
Scott I’m in a similar situation but we are a little younger. Our marriage has been sexless for four years. I’ll file for divorce in a few months. I’ve tried non violent communication, pastoral, individual and marriage counseling. I’m done. I made a detailed plan to seek a mutually satisfying marriage for both of us, with a means to exit if it was unsuccessful.
I am a 65 year old male with a good libido level. My wife is seven years younger than me and we have not had any type of intimacy in 8 years. I stay bc I love her and enjoy conversations and doing things together. We don’t fight or even raise our voices at one another. She went through menopause and that’s when it all stopped. I e spoken to her about seeing a doctor but she refuses. This is my second marriage and it was even worse in that marriage. It started immediately after we married when she would only have sex as a bargaining chip for me to buy her jewelry or a new car. We fought all the time. I’d walk in the house and she would immediately belittle me and just yell constantly. I found out later she had cheated on me more than twice always when I was deployed. I got her to go to marriage counseling and she said nothing except that I annoyed her. I didn’t feel like a man at all. Now, in this marriage, I’m feeling as though I’m not a man again. Our sex live was amazing until 8 years ago then it was cold turkey. She says she loves me, spoils me in other ways, but refuses to be intimate. I’ve been told by many women that I am very attractive and look as though I’m in my 40’s. I’m not fat and have been successful during my adult life and am now retired. I could easily have an affair if I chose, but I don’t want that. I just want my wife. I’m depressed and hurt by her not even trying to work with me on this issue. I guess this is just my life until I die.