Have you ever met a person who loves to blame everyone else but themselves?
This behavior can be very unnerving.
Now imagine being married to a man who blames you for everything in his life.
In Nigerian parlance, “shege banza” (contextually meaning utter rubbish)!
Notwithstanding, let’s look at the likely reasons your husband blames you for everything.
It’ll help you understand why he’s doing what he’s doing and give you a clue on how to handle the situation.
Why Does My Husband Blame Me For Everything? – 10 Reasons
1. He is a narcissist
One character trait of a narcissist is they never accept their wrong and always trade blame.
They are very self-absorbed and masters of manipulation.
Don’t be surprised that he blames you for everything; it is what narcissists do.
They’ll manipulate and gaslight you till you doubt your sanity.
Emotional abuse is one of their primary tool of operation.
2. He is immature
Maturity is highly needed in marriage because you must be self-disciplined and able to bear the responsibility of your family, too.
What happens when an immature man gets married?
One is that he never takes responsibility.
I remember how, as children, my older brother and I would shift the responsibility of doing certain chores to one another, and when our mum came to inspect, we would point fingers at each other.
No one was willing to take the fall for it o.
This is exactly what it looks like when a married man is immature.
He is always pointing fingers, and his wife is usually the culprit.
How sad!
3. He is irresponsible
Similar to point two, an irresponsible man would never take responsibility for his actions or life.
Self-governance is an important skill to learn, but a careless man who doesn’t think much about the consequences of his actions may fall into the category of blamers, blaming his wife for everything.
He holds you accountable for his life, and every choice or decision he makes still comes back to the YOU factor.
4. He no longer loves you
Have you thought of the possibility that your husband is no longer happy in the marriage?
It might be why he doesn’t hesitate to blame you for everything.
When a man no longer loves you, he may start acting allergic to your presence.
You know how you explode and do all sorts of things when you are angry?
It is the same thing.
5. He’s a perfectionist
I personally believe that perfectionists should have a planet of their own.
Life isn’t perfect in itself, and humans are flawed, so why should anyone be a perfectionist, right?
Well, some personalities are like this, making them expect very high standards of themselves and others.
Most times, their standards are unreasonable.
If your husband is a perfectionist, that may explain why he blames you for everything.
I grew up with a perfectionist dad, and I struggled a lot to meet his expectations every time because only he could please himself.
People who are perfectionists are also very controlling.
When things are out of their control, they become upset and blame everyone else but themselves.
6. He is struggling with depression
If you’ve ever met a person who is depressed before, you’ll find that it makes them think deeply and come to conclusions of all sorts.
Perhaps things are not working out well for him, and he is frustrated and slinking into depression.
The truth is that it is hard to detect these in men, but men suffer from depression, too!
Maybe your husband is getting depressed, and he blames you for where he is in life.
Do not take his words to heart.
However, he needs urgent help because at the other end of depression is suicide.
I recommend that you encourage him to speak to a professional therapist.
7. It’s a defense mechanism
Some people who blame others do so as a defense mechanism.
They live their lives with regrets about their past choices or present realities.
However, instead of coming to terms with things, they shift blame to others in a bid to transfer the guilt and unpleasant feelings that come with the regret and bitterness in their lives.
8. It’s the product of unhealed childhood trauma
Children learn a lot consciously and subconsciously from their parents and the family they grew up in.
If your husband grew up in a home where it was normal for his father to blame his mother for everything, it explains why he is treading the same path now.
It might not even be a conscious action to start with, but guess what?
Hurting people always hurts others.
Until you speak against what is happening, the blame pattern will continue.
9. He is cheating
When a man has other alternatives outside, he may start acting unruly to his wife.
Many cheating men resort to blaming, comparisons, and emotional and verbal abuse with their wives either to please their mistresses or to feel good about themselves.
Anyway, there can’t be two captains on a ship, and if you are suddenly no longer respected in your home and your husband blames you for everything, it may be because there is another captain aboard your ship.
10. He said it in the heat of anger
So, even though we have explored different reasons your husband blames you for everything, it is expedient we look into this last one.
What if there are no reasons for this action, and it was only a careless statement made in the heat of an argument?
Well, this point would ring true if your husband is not in the habit of blaming you for everything, but this just happened as a one-off.
Similarly, if your husband has uncontrolled anger and flies off the handle during conflict and starts saying hurtful things, this may be why he uttered those words.
I used to know someone who had anger issues, and whenever he and his wife had an altercation, he’d use unprintable words to get back at her.
After the rage had passed, he’d become loving again, and when confronted about the words he said, he would not believe he actually said those words.
I found this very disturbing.
In any case, nothing justifies spewing such hurtful words, not even anger.
Someone once said words are like glass; they cannot be put together again once broken.
It rings so true!
You need to have a conversation with your husband about it.
Approach the conversation with an open mind.
Look inward to see if there are ways you’ve contributed to how he is faring now.
Encourage him to get a professional therapist or counselor.
Be clear about how he is to treat you and what’s unacceptable; it is important to set clear boundaries in your relationship.
Also, while you support him on his wholeness journey, be careful not to lose you.
If all has been said and done, but he refuses to change, then you need to consider the next steps to take.
All the best!