Any spouse who has been cheated on will tell you that affairs hurt a lot.
They have no doubt about the hurt they feel.
The first question asked by most spouses who were cheated on is why someone who claims to love them so much ends up hurting them so badly.
But then, why is it that the erring spouse doesn’t feel and understand the pain of betrayal?
It is in human nature to seek closure, and that’s why many people do it.
If someone can know and understand the reason(s) for their spouse’s betrayal, it’ll help them see that it’s not about them, and they’ll distance themselves emotionally from whatever it is their spouse is doing.
There’s no feeling worse than someone believing that they’re the cause of their spouse’s infidelity.
It’s a very devastating thing to happen to anyone, and anyone can easily develop PTSD from it.
For some convenient reasons, cheating spouses do not or have refused to understand why and how their infidelity causes PTSD in their spouses.
If a betrayed spouse doesn’t understand how and why their spouse who took a sacred oath of faithfulness with them can abandon them in the twinkle of an eye, they’re well within their rights.
For betrayed spouses, infidelity comes as a devastating and absolute form of abandonment.
It’s not out of place for betrayed spouses to stop feeling safe in life completely due to the betrayal.
There’s more than meets the eye when it comes to adultery.
Sometimes, everything about a person – their body, mind, and soul – is adversely affected when their spouse cheats on them.
Some people even fall ill physically when their spouse cheats on them.
It can get as bad as the betrayed spouse reliving the cheating experience for a long time that it takes over their identity.
In this article, we’ll look at the reasons why affairs hurt so much but before then, let us touch on the causes of affairs.
Causes Of Affairs
At some point in their dilemma, betrayed spouses may want to hold on to the reason their spouse cheated on them.
It is their grief, and they are right to want to get to the cause of their pain.
Although we’ll not be discussing these causes in detail as it’s not in our scope of discussion in this article, let’s list some of the common causes of affairs.
Here they are:
- Thoughtlessness
- Selfishness
- Ego
- Growing up in a family where a parent or loved one cheats on their spouse
- Midlife crisis
- Insecurity
- Childhood feelings of abandonment
- Attachment issues
8 Reasons Why Affairs Hurt So Much
1. Affairs nullify the sense of commitment in the relationship
One of the reasons why affairs hurt so much is that they water down or, worse still, nullify the sense of commitment in the relationship.
No matter how much the couple has been committed to each other, affairs shake that foundation of trust and showcase the fragility of their connection.
The sense of security and safety they had is gone, replaced by fear, anger, hurt, and doubt.
The very essence that makes couples feel successful, satisfied, and safe in a relationship is the commitment of both parties to the relationship.
It’s an unshaken allegiance to a spouse and a marriage.
Cheating automatically takes it away.
The breach of trust within the relationship makes it almost impossible for a couple to regain the previous levels of fearlessness and security.
2. Your expectations in marriage have been violated
Affairs can hurt so much because your expectations of what it means to be married have been infringed.
Everyone has a picture of what their marriage will look like, even before going into the marriage.
This picture is called expectations, and for most people, it includes emotional, romantic, and sexual faithfulness between the couple.
When your spouse had an affair, they breached the rules you thought both of you were living by.
This person who made a vow to love and cherish you forever committed a crime against the faith you had in them.
Unfortunately, such a violation shakes and can break the very foundation on which not only your marriage but your married life is built.
3. Your life has changed against your will
When you find out that your spouse had an affair, your life will change, no matter how much you want to deny it.
And you will find yourself trying to put up resistance in dealing with this change that has been pushed on you out of nowhere and without your permission.
I must say that this type of change is a highly unwanted modification of the life you were living before you found out about the cheating.
You put all the blame on your spouse and ask them to fix their mess because you don’t want to have to deal with it.
Your argument is that they caused it and should fix it.
But if you don’t face the problem headlong and wait for your spouse to address it instead, you’ll forever be the victim in the grand scheme of things.
Your spouse’s affair and whatever they plan to do about it will hold you hostage, thereby prolonging the hurt you feel.
4. You’re scared that your dream life is over
Fear comes naturally when you’ve been hurt, especially when you’ve been hurt by the one person who held your hands, looked into your eyes, promised to love you forever, and never hurt you.
You’re scared that this pain you’re feeling will last forever.
Indeed, your dream life – the one you knew and were living before you found out about the affair – is over.
But it’s totally up to you to decide how you want to live henceforth.
Will you allow the hurt to stop you from creating a better future for yourself?
Do you have it within you to move forward, set new goals, and live life on your own terms?
The power is in your hands. It’s up to you to choose how this story ends.
The hurt caused by the affair will continue if you don’t take a stand on how you’ll live your life moving forward.
It’ll be best for you to make the decision when you’re calm and can think clearly.
In spite of your fears, you have to be brave enough to move past your fears and start living the new life you chose for yourself.
Construct boundaries and be firm on them.
Decide what you will and will not accept from the person who hurt you.
Be cautious about giving someone access to your life again after they’ve broken your trust in the past.
Take it slow and focus on healing first before letting anyone back in.
5. Your spouse has stripped you of your emotional security
You used to trust your spouse with all your secrets before you found out about the affair.
You were very sure that they had your back and were always there for you emotionally.
They celebrated you and your wins when the going was good.
They were there to hold your hand and make you feel better when the going gets tough.
You were so sure that you were a formidable force together.
But now, all that is over.
They took all the emotional security away from you.
You feel lonely, alone, and insecure because they stripped you bare without warning.
6. The affair robs you of your past memories
When you find out that your spouse betrayed you, you can’t help but wonder what else they lied about.
You start to second guess the past memories you ever shared with them.
All those good times spent together, all the happy moments and special occasions that you thought were real, now seem like a distant memory.
The trust and security, which was once solid as a rock before the affair, has been shattered beyond repair.
For instance, were they lying when they said that they loved you?
Or were they lying when they said that you were the best thing that happened to them?
You begin to pick at and suspect every memory you created with this person in the past.
You’re filled with doubt about the truthfulness of your spouse – what’s fact and what’s fiction.
7. You feel guilty
One of the reasons why affairs hurt so much is that, at some point, guilt washes over you when you think about the affair your spouse had.
There’s always a part of you that wonders that if you had done so or so differently, would your spouse still go ahead and have an affair?
Sometimes, you take responsibility for not doing some things and blame yourself for the position you found yourself in presently.
The truth remains that no matter what you did or didn’t do, your spouse was the one who decided to cheat.
They were the ones who made that decision and it’s important to remember that.
Everyone always has a choice.
And it’s your spouse’s decision that got you in that mess.
8. You’re hit by tremendous grief
It’s normal to experience grief when you’re going through what I consider a loss as grave as yours.
You’ll cry your eyes out.
You’ll be angry at yourself, your spouse, everyone, and no one in particular.
You’ll even want to act like it didn’t happen.
They are the stages of grief you’ll go through before healing from the betrayal.
Allow yourself to go through them to fasten your healing and be free from the mental torture of being cheated on.
A successful marriage is all about two people who are committed to each other.
Having an affair hurts so much because it threatens the very foundation of a marriage.
The pain of betrayal, especially from the one person who was meant to hold your hand and have your back forever, is indescribable.
I hope you make decisions that are in your best interest in this situation.
Right now, it would be best if you put yourself first.
You deserve to be happy.